Rebbezin Rochel :: Lend me your ears, don’t worry I’ll give them back.

Rebbezin Rochel

October 3rd, 2006

This Yom Kippur will be the most moving and powerful day I will remember. I worked really hard on the days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. These are the days in which Hashem opens up the heavens the most to our prayers and our repentance. My goals I had set to keep this year were always top on my mind. I was determined.

We were ready for Yom Kippur all dressed in our Yom Tov clothes. Determination was ingrained in me when I light the candles. I’m going to pour my heart out this Yom Kippur, I’m going to show Hashem I am His daughter who loves Him and will serve Him. After I light I went to the bathroom before I would put the kids to sleep so I would be able to pray with ful devotion and no distractions. While in the bathroom I saw I was bleeding. I began to panic because I was 4 months pregnant. I was bleeding a lot and was feeling some pain. I called to Moshe For him to call an ambulance immediately. The pain go worse and worse. The ambulance, after what felt like eternity, arrived, and Moshe and I went with our hearts pounding to the hospital. When we arrived it was already too late. The baby was no longer living and needed to be taken out. I know in general the resolutions one makes when starting the new year are ment to be kept between us and our Creator but this experience I think is one of the most moving experiences I’ve ever had. The one resolution I made that I was so determined about was that I would be happy this year. Everything is from Hashem and that I would always say Gam ZuLatovah (this is for the best). When we heard the doctor say that the baby was gone our hearts sank. The satan was sending me the biggest blow I’ve ever had to see how happy go lucky I’d be after a tragity like this. I just sat there. Of course I cried, but while I was letting out some of my emotions I was trying to build up me defences to handle this news. I said Baruch Dayan Emes, the the Creator is the true judge of everything, and thanked Him for my three healthy a beautiful boys and for letting a special soul come into me for even four months. I forced myself to say over and over  Gam Zulatovah until I heard in over and over in my mind. I pushed all thoughts of guilt our regret out and would only think of Gam Zulatovah.

Don’t get me wrong honestly I’m no rebbetzen and have since then had many downs. I do feel empty inside and don’t quite know how to have a succos filled with lively and happy seudos. I feel like the world has stop and find it hard to understand how everyone is still moving. But I know that it was all for the best and will just need the time to heal.

9 Responses to “”

  1. comment number 1 by: Reb Moshe

    For me, even 2 days later… I have been so busy helping out that I never had time to really think and take it what has happened. I feel like it just happened 5 minutes ago and I just found out about it. I am exploading with pain inside, not because I can’t say Boruch Dayan HaEmes but simply cause I haven’t had the strength or time to say it properly. I walked about 6miles fasting going to the hospital back and forth all Yom Kippur. I have done 6 loads of laundry, cooked, cleaned and babysat. I don’t have time to pay impending bills or to fill my regular responsabilities. I wonder from what means Hashem will send my next dime… when can I heal? The children will arrive home soon. Will I be able to care for them so my wife can rest… What about sukkos… I can’t live without having guests at our table… How will my wife handle this in 2 weeks from now… 1month, 3months… I close my eyes now in hopes.. when they open… I will have the strength to be there for my wife, my children and the world that needs me.

  2. comment number 2 by: Yisroel Schindler

    Dear Reb Moshe,
    I would like to send my sincere Rakhmonis. Please G-d you and your familey will have a sweet Sukous.

    Ever your Freind


  3. comment number 3 by: dreidel613

    My heart goes out to you two!!!!!

  4. comment number 4 by: Jimmy

    I don’t know what to say when something like this happens. Why do bad things happen to good people? I guess Hashem has a plan for eveyone and everything.

    Sometimes it’s just hard to identify what that plan is…

    If there is anything I can do for your family, please let me know..

  5. comment number 5 by: Chana

    Dear Rochel
    I hope Hashem sends you a Nechama!

  6. comment number 6 by: Rishona

    My heart goes out to you. Stay fast in your emunah that Hashem always sets things up for us according to his plan. It may hurt us and we may not understand. I am very new to Torah observance and learning, and my own experiences in life have been far from rosy. But somehow, later, I see the blessings. Perhaps the neshamah of that child was needed for another setting, another time, another place. Maybe that neshamah has forged up to shamayim to plead rachmonus on your behalf. I do not know – but I wish you a peaceful chag and that this year be filled with more simchas than you can ever imagine.

  7. comment number 7 by: Yosef

    I am so sorry. Maybe Hashem comfort both of you wonderful, sweet people speedily and soon. When certain neshamos need special, subtle tikkunim, and things like this happen, it seems that so often these neshamos are sent so such special people. Perhaps it is because of Hashem’s faith in you, and in your own faith, that He chose you to endure this pain and loss, for the sake of the greater good. May He comfort you and may you be strengthened. Thank you for writing so honestly.

  8. comment number 8 by: phillyfarmgirl

    Oh my dear, dear sister! I am so pained to read of your loss. You are an amazing woman of true emunah to share yourself this way with us and to gird yourself in your faith in Hashem. You are truly amazing! May you have comfort and strength.

  9. comment number 9 by: Arle

    I just read your moving story today… I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and May Hashem bless you with more healthy children.

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