This Yom Kippur will be the most moving and powerful day I will remember. I worked really hard on the days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. These are the days in which Hashem opens up the heavens the most to our prayers and our repentance. My goals I had set to keep this year were always top on my mind. I was determined.
We were ready for Yom Kippur all dressed in our Yom Tov clothes. Determination was ingrained in me when I light the candles. I’m going to pour my heart out this Yom Kippur, I’m going to show Hashem I am His daughter who loves Him and will serve Him. After I light I went to the bathroom before I would put the kids to sleep so I would be able to pray with ful devotion and no distractions. While in the bathroom I saw I was bleeding. I began to panic because I was 4 months pregnant. I was bleeding a lot and was feeling some pain. I called to Moshe For him to call an ambulance immediately. The pain go worse and worse. The ambulance, after what felt like eternity, arrived, and Moshe and I went with our hearts pounding to the hospital. When we arrived it was already too late. The baby was no longer living and needed to be taken out. I know in general the resolutions one makes when starting the new year are ment to be kept between us and our CreatorÂ but this experience I think is one of the most moving experiences I’ve ever had. TheÂ oneÂ resolution I made that I was so determined about was that I would be happy this year. EverythingÂ is from Hashem and that I would always say Gam ZuLatovah (this is for the best). When weÂ heard the doctor sayÂ that the baby was gone our hearts sank. The satan was sending me the biggest blow I’ve ever had to see how happy go lucky I’d be after a tragity like this. I just sat there. Of course I cried, but while I was letting out some of my emotions I was trying to build up me defences to handle this news. I said Baruch Dayan Emes, the the Creator is the true judge of everything, andÂ thanked Him for my three healthy a beautiful boys and for letting a special soul come into me for even four months.Â I forced myself to say over and over Â Gam Zulatovah until I heard in over and over in my mind. I pushed all thoughts of guilt our regret out and would only think of Gam Zulatovah.
Don’t get me wrong honestly I’m no rebbetzen and have since then had many downs. I do feel empty inside and don’t quite know how to have a succos filled with lively and happy seudos. I feel like the world has stop and find it hard to understand how everyone is still moving. But I know that it was all for the best and will just need the time to heal.