April 3, 2009

Live Israeli Mosquitoes, Limited Offer!

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 1:49 am

Limited time offer, anyone who donates to ilovetorah jewish outreach, (www.ilovetorah.com/donations) will receive a jar of live Mosquitoes from Israel. Don’t miss out on this JEWISH experience! They have just hatched for the summer!

February 16, 2009

Dunk me in the Ari Mikvah!

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 3:00 am

Everyone in Tzfat knows that the holy Gabi’s of the Ari Mikvah are special people. In the winter time, we all lessen our visits to the Ari Mikvah since even though the water is warmer in the winter, it is blistering cold when you walk outside. PLEASE FIND ME A BATTERY POWERED HAIR DRYER. (no joke, I would go more) Anyways, the mikvah attendant was disapointed in me that he hadn’t seen me as much lately. I explained to him that I have a nice mikvah 20 feet from my house and my yetzer hara pushes me to go there instead daily. It took me over a year before I purchased a mikvah monthly pass because I didn’t want to forget the Ari Mikvah which is only about 120 deep steps down from my home. But i have caved in, I have sunk and fallen into the warm waters and showers of a new hundred thousand dollar mikvah. Save me! Dunk me in the Ari!

September 2, 2008

Aba I saw a …

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 2:51 pm

Just a few minutes ago there was a bang on my door from my mother that the kids claim they saw a scorpion in the house. So as a responsible (American) father, I put on my crock slippers with wholes and grabbed a bottle of ant repellent. A few seconds later they saw it and pointed at the scorpion like insect to me. It was non other then a silver fish.

Now I was thinking, who really is the crazy one here. The kids or me?

August 6, 2008

Reb ObaMoshe for President

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 6:03 am


I support offshore drilling!

We must get rid of gas guzzling cars!

Switch to Hybrids!


Change the way we think

VOTE REB ObaMOSHE FOR PRESEDENT!

1. Free Health Insurance
2. Requiring all non Jews to be Sons of Noach or face imprisonment
3. Pull out all troops from Iraq & send them to Lebanon & Syria & Iran
4. Move all of hollywood to the National Zoo
5. Destroy all copies of _______ (got to get elected first)
6. Install Basketball court inside oval office
7. Synagoge in the White House
8. Free Palard
9. Ban all guns in USA
10. There is a lot of work to be done!

August 4, 2008

Hakaros Hatov

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 4:21 am

I want to give Hakaros Hatov, thanks giving to Hashem for a few things that I once didn’t understand.

1. For being short in high school so I couldn’t make the final cut on the basketball team. It was down to me and another second guard who was 5inches taller
2. For pushing me to take a typing class with a mean teacher who used to hit our fingers with a ruler if we didn’t type fast enough. Today I am a fast typer because of this but ouch that hurt.
3. For living in Israel for 6 years now
4. To have written my own tefillin that I wear. Many soferim never actually have time to make themselves a pair.
5. For my wonderful kiddies & their uniqueness
6. Well for those things I mention every morning in prayer
7. For going to the gym and pool and not having athletes foot
8. Fluorescent lighting in my study instead of those bulb thingies
9. My electric tooth brush. I love it.
10. For chocolate, even though I am dieting and watching my yetzer for food (still must recognize this amazing gift from Hashem)

July 28, 2008

Mousy brings Shalom

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 2:13 am

Every year we have a little mousy that comes to visit our home. It becomes a family project to catch it with a bucket and let it go. This week we had a new furry creature visiting us. As with all animals in Israel, we never underestimate its intelligence. Yes we managed with difficult to set him free but it was far more then this that we gained. Catching the mouse always brings us all together and that fact that he leaves alive, makes us all feel proud. I still don’t’ know why Rochel pushed me away when I had him, she felt I was being too violent and scaring him. Hmmm, maybe a mouse saved her life in previous incarnations?

July 27, 2008

Is your soul for sale?

Filed under: Puns & Jokes — Reb Moshe @ 2:43 am

(Disclaimer: This is a R.M pun, joke)
Some of you are chassidim of Breslov, Chabad, Satmar, Bobov, Alexander and others. I am running now a campain to buy chassidim and their souls. That is right, just name your price and we will take the cheapest 1,000 chassidim from other branches and make them Reb Moshe Chassidim. Yes that is right! Since I am unable to naturally draw in followers through yichus, purity, chiddushay Torah and the like, rich followers have decided to buy me chassidim, followers. To register to be bought, simply state your current chassidus and price.